Tag Archives: dating

Three Qualities in Men That Drive Women Nuts: What not to do

dating tips and characteristics to avoidAlthough men and women might as well be different galaxies (forget different planets, the Venus/Mars analogy is an understatement), many women like to think that they really know men, and vice versa. Men and women can try, at best, to find a common ground, but there are some inherent differences that make us…well, inherently different.
Women are constantly trying to figure men out — and while women may not have all the answers when it comes to understanding men, they do know exactly what qualities in men they absolutely hate. Even though we’re all responsible for our own behavior, societal “norms” have conditioned many men to hold on to characteristics that they think are normal…but drive women utterly up the wall.
Arrogance

This is one of those qualities men think women actually dig. Those men who do should learn the difference between confidence and arrogance. While confidence is extremely attractive, arrogance is a huge turn off. The difference is pretty simple. Confidence is usually implicit, and comes from body language, composure, eloquence and other subtle characteristics. Women love to observe, and noticing a confident man usually takes some time. Arrogance, on the other hand, is noticeable almost immediately. Arrogance constitutes blatant, obnoxious, in-your-face cockiness, which is likely to lead to a marathon of unfortunate events. Women can’t always tell arrogance from confidence until a man opens his mouth, which is why it can be hard to discern between the two. If we encounter a cocky guy, we might mistake him for a guy that carries himself well and show interest until he opens his mouth. But unfortunately, it’s a vicious cycle — the cocky ass hole will feed into the slightest bit of attention and get even cockier as the night goes on.
If you’re on the extreme end of the loser spectrum, you might still use corny, clichéd pick-up lines. Thankfully, the days of corny pick-up lines are over for the most part, but where one tactic ends, another one must take off, and now a new array of equally desperate tactics has entered the playing field: The new trend seems to be asking the stupidest questions to try to elicit conversation — à la Mystery from the hit VH1 show The Pick Up Artist. Arrogant men regularly use variations of questions taken from the show and expect it to work. When women hear something remotely close to this type of “opener,” (unless they’re equally desperate) don’t be surprised if they jump back by saying, “So, I see you took notes from The Pick Up Artist.”
If forced conversation and ridiculous questions aren’t bad enough, the last thing women at a bar or club want to hear is you go on and on about yourself and about how great you are. Can you say buzz kill? Women also don’t really care to hear you brag about what Ivy League school you graduated from and how much money you make when they’ve only known you for five minutes.
Key takeaways: Women would prefer to determine for themselves how “great” you really are. So quit the narcissistic monologue and try asking the lady some questions that actually allow you to get to know her. Build upon common interests and don’t try to force attraction.
Insecurity

Although it can be the complete opposite of arrogance, an insecure guy who makes socially awkward comments or barely talks at all, is just as annoying as the arrogant jerk who won’t shut up. Although they can seem mutually exclusive, insecurity is often the reason for arrogance. Many men feel the need to make up for other flaws by overcompensating — this usually comes in the form of bragging. These guys typically have zero personality and don’t have much to offer women beyond their false-perceived self-perfection, so they go on and on about their PhDs, their high-paying corporate jobs or their “fantastic” lives. They clearly have characteristics they feel inadequate about, which besides bragging, can manifest itself in clamorous, ostentatious and aggressive behavior.
On the contrary, text-book insecurity — usually characterized by excessive shyness, inability to start or hold a conversation and overall social awkwardness — is annoying for the simple fact that it can make getting to know a guy frustrating and pretty difficult. Women want a guy that’s easy to talk to from the get-go, and your social anxiety isn’t making the situation any easier. A girl wants a guy who can make her feel good and comfort her, and if insecure guys don’t feel good about themselves, how are they supposed to make the opposite sex feel good? If they’re the insecure type that can actually make it through a conversation and elicit some interest from women, those guys will more than likely be the type to smother, be too controlling and over possessive. These traits stem from fear…fear that their girlfriends or love interests might leave them for someone else — someone hotter, someone smarter, someone tougher, someone richer, someone taller. And it’s all because deep-down guys that are always second-guessing themselves never feel like they’re good enough.
Key takeaways
: Although insecurity takes place in many forms, it’s clearly not attractive in any of its facets. Be confident (we’re obviously interested in you because you have some redeemable qualities) or fake it if you have to, trust us and give us space when we need it. Women will reciprocate the favor and will be honest with you if you just learn to let go a little.
Bad Hygiene and Manners

This is one of those things that guys have the hardest time understanding, despite the fact that more “metro” tendencies are quickly becoming the norm. Personal grooming and everyday hygiene are necessities, not optional. Failure to meet these requirements is an instant deal breaker. A generally well-maintained appearance, a clean scent (bathing with soap and a simple deodorant will work just fine), and healthy-smelling breath are very important. No one wants kiss, let alone get into bed with someone who reeks of sweat and the guys’ locker room at the gym. Most women don’t expect you to have a hairless chest, wear designer clothes or have six-pack abs, but we do expect the bare minimum. Yes, that means daily showers are mandatory. This seems like common sense, but you’d be surprised to learn that many men don’t follow these rules.
Please understand, it might acceptable, funny and cool to pass gas watching football with the boys — you might even have “competitions” to see who can rip the loudest one — but it just doesn’t cut it with the ladies. In fact, women get kind of disgusted by it. If you don’t want us to fart or belch, it’s only fair that you don’t do the same. Double standards are so thirty years ago, and nowadays holding your personal gas boils down to general human decency, not the necessity to be “ladylike” or “manly.”
Key takeaways
: Staying clean, smelling decent and grooming the excess (nose hair and nether regions are a plus) can work wonders, or give you the boost you need to begin the process of wooing.
In reality, it doesn’t take much to keep a girl interested. Granted that there is some level of physical attraction, you really just have to focus on staying afloat. Being a normal person with whom a woman can have a genuine conversation is all it takes to pass the first step. Once you get there, all you have to worry about is the first date.

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Who should pay for dinner on a first date?

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Defeating First-Date Fumbles: Should Men or Women Pay?
First dates can be daunting. A typical first date scenario—although they are all commonly riddled with angst and uncertainty—is anything but typical. You really have no idea just how it’s going to turn out. Your date could be a dumb ass, a total narcissist, fugly (if it’s a blind date), or worst of all, you could be stuck in an uncomfortable dinner with someone whom you have no chemistry with—no sparks, no fireworks, just plain coldness combined with disinterest. Even if you’re trying the dating thing with a close friend, things could still go sour…and your friendship could become plagued by awkwardness. As if first dates aren’t nerve-wracking enough, we often times forget common etiquette and unknowingly break the rules of dating. One of the most unclear parts of a first date usually involves confusion about who should pay the bill. Let’s face it: Chivalry is dead. Women are becoming more and more independent and in charge of their financial situations. Although women still earn less than men (75 cents for every dollar a man gets paid), a recent USA Today study noted that in 2006, 56% of undergrads were women…and the number is gradually increasing. Does this mean you shouldn’t bring your wallet to a first date and let your newfound lady-friend front the bill? Don’t get too excited, you opportunists. Unfortunately, there are still some old-school norms that you may have to abide by in order to avoid having your date run for the door.

The responsibility (or burden, depending on how you look at it) to pay usually depends on the situation—however, it is an unspoken rule that men should always offer to pay. Many women, although they may boast a PhD and earn a six-figure salary, still want to be reassured that a man can offer to provide or contribute financially to a relationship. Stability in nearly every aspect of a man’s life—financially, mentally and even emotionally—is extremely important to women. With that being said, most women nowadays will also offer to pay—if not on the first date, definitely the second (it can be somewhat empowering for some women, so men, don’t be afraid to shut up and let her pay). If you’ve gone on a second or third date with a woman of interest and she still hasn’t offered to cover the check, chances are she’s probably a gold-digger, a self-righteous diva or extremely old-fashioned. And hey, if that’s what interests you, knock yourself out. Many men still find comfort and a solidified sense of self-value in always being able to provide—whether it’s shelter, dinner on a date or actual food on the table. Nowadays, it’s only fitting that both sexes (men and women) offer to take turns paying the bill or go dutch, but on a first date there are a few general rules you should follow to avoid being shunned by all females:

If you’re friends and mutually decide to go on a first date together: Go dutch. You already know each other, you’re probably pretty comfortable around her and you’ve probably already been in situations where naturally, you spotted her on some cash and she spotted you, too.

If you’ve been forced to go on a blind date set up by a close friend(s): Go dutch. You’re both in it based on recommendations from your friends. One of you isn’t necessarily lusting after the other and you could probably both benefit from the coerced set-up if all goes well. So why not start the date on amicable terms? Going dutch shows that you’re both interested in each other or at least appreciative of the effort put in by your friends.

If you ask her out on the first date: On a first date, if you’re the asker, you’re the payer…regardless of sex (I mean gender, not whether or not you’re receiving sex).

If a close family member or friend begs her to go on a date with you: You pay. If someone close to you is gassing you up and proceeds by begging a particular fine lady to give you a chance, you better step up to the plate and make it worth her while. She is, after all, doing your matchmaker a huge favor by giving you the time of day.

Although these four basic rules will help you avoid the awkward who-should-pay-for-dinner predicament when the bill arrives, it can still be taboo to ask your date to cover her portion of the bill—especially on a first date. This is precisely why women need to step up, be a little more aggressive, and either be adamant about paying for their own meal or just grab the check from the waiter before it’s given to the man. Every modern woman should stop taking chivalry for granted and realize that men are just as valuable to any potential relationship as they are… but until this happens (to stay on the safe side), offer to pay on the first date if you’re really interested. Then, stick around to see what she’s willing to offer on the second. If she passes that test, you’ve got yourself a real keeper.

This article will be featured in the first issue of DES Magazine, which will be released by end 2008.

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